Sure you may have heard the audio version of my award winning speech but clicking below but check out the written version as well.
Listen to the speech that garnered 1st place at the D44 Toastmasters Humorous Speech Competition
Greetings fellow Toastmasters and honored guests. Question? Have you ever dated someone and in hindsight wondered what could have possibly been going through your mind. I mean given it some serious thought and consideration, because we naturally attract that which we are ready to receive, the universal laws of nature will not conspire to anything less.
See the following series of events that I’m prepared to share with you, had me questioning Herschel are you really that weak, shallow and superficial? And truth be told I was, and in many cases probably still am.
I had just gotten out of one of those relationships, you know, where the person dumps you before you had the opportunity to dump them. The nerve of her, but it was a toxic relationship that needed to come to an end, yet I still felt pain. I had a cavity, a void; that I felt could only be filled with a little love and affection. Friends told me to fill it with Jesus, but I was too much of a heathen to be trying to hear all that.
So I turned to the next best thing, social media: the gateway to all things immoral. Where each and every day you can find both men and women alike showcasing their finest ASSETS all for a little attention by and engage in banter consisting almost entirely of sexually charged innuendo. What you doing tonight? You wear that dress and those heels just for me baby? What about you? You been thinking about Herschel Chalk? Prove it send me a picture.
And that is where I had my first introduction to CANDY or so she liked to be called.
Now, I can’t begin to explain the thoughts that were conjuring up in my mind as she told me her name because the only place I’ve ever met a Candy is the same place I’ve encountered numerous other females with such objectifying names, your local Gentleman’s establishment. Now I’m not one to traditionally objectify women. As a matter of fact, I consider myself to be equal opportunity. Case and point, my name is Herschel Chalk and from time to time the ladies like to call me Hershey’s Chocolate, Hershey’s Kisses. I’m talking that kind that melts in your mouth and not in your hands. So ladies feel free to objectify me, I’M EQUAL OPPORTUNITY.
Now in any other universe our stars would have never collided. See Candy’s the type of female that likes the Bad Boys and I’m just a little too SQUARE. But there’s something about having multiple children, fathered by multiple individuals, one of whom happened to be in jail that changes your perspective on things. I imagine she was sick and tired of being sick and tired of dealing with the same type of individual time and time again and I was looking to fill a void with a little love and affection.
Now Candy was from the CPT, Compton that is and I should have known she was probably a little too much for Hershey Kisses to handle. Sure there were a number of warning signs and red flags all of which I chose to ignore and BROTHA MAN if you would have seen that BODY there’s no doubt in my mind that you would have made the same exceptions. She wasn’t from the South but she had all the right proportions of cornbread, to ham hocks, to adipose tissue. Don’t do me like that. No, no, no, no, no. Church lady, don’t judge me. What does the good book say Matthew 7:1? Judge not lest ye be judged. So let me LIVE.
For the sake of time why don’t we skip all the in between and get straight to the NITTY GRITTY: our first date. When the waiter arrived I could tell she was ordering for more than just herself. She was trying to take some food home to those kids too. I ain’t new to this she wasn’t the first female I’ve dated with multiple children. But she thought she was slick see and would nibble off of each one of her individual entrees and appetizers, as she devoured a rack of garlic fiery hot barbecue ribs with all the fixins’. Now I’ve learned that on a first date traditionally there are a few food items that you traditionally tend to avoid.
1. Garlic for example. Bad breath is definitely a first date killer.
2. Carbonated Drinks, there’s nothing worse than an individual burping uncontrollably.
3. Light veggies, although quite healthy I have news for you ladies and gentlemen they tend to give you gas.
Toastmasters word of the day Eproctophilia those who have a fetish and are sexually aroused by flatulence and I aint one of them.
4. And let’s not forget finger foods.
Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to eat with your hands? That’s because it is not proper manners!
Have you ever seen someone eat ribs and get sauce all in the corners of there mouth? Or have a bunch of little napkins on the table from wiping their hands, that you begin to question whether or not your going to get sick because it looks like a bunch of little snot rags. But those weren’t the deal breakers.
She had these long, fake, nasty, nails that resembled an EAGLES TALONS. And although they may have been quite suitable for scratching backs (if you know what I mean) they didn’t work particularly too well with the ribs she was eating. The sauce from the ribs would get caked up and embedded not only in my nail beds but in the underbelly of her nail, so much so that it created a flush like appearance. To which she proceeded to suck the sauce, debris, and all other particles that lied within.
Now I had a mission, and no one likes quitters but I had a mentor who once shared with me that quitting while you’re ahead is not the same as quitting. Thus although I had big plans and a few fireworks originally in store for the latter part of the evening, the night had to come to an abrupt end. A line had to be drawn in the sand. Something had to give. After all when all the alcohol has waned off who would want to wake to a foul smelling, burping, farting, stanking individual anyway. I said Herschel you’ve got to do better. You have to stop being so shallow and superficial. Leave those girls alone. But then I saw you. How you doin?
And there you have it. I guess as much as things change they remain the same. I hope you enjoyed. For more info regarding this specific speech visit: South Cobb Resident Crowned Toastmasters‘ Most Humorous Speaker: Local Influencer Herschel E. Chalk III Wins Award at District 44 Fall Conference.
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